chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
