A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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