and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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