Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
