i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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