SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
