I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
