benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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