My first STD was from a foam party
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
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