The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
