I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
