Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
