Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
