were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
