so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
