last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Is Oprah even human
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
