Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
