I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
