every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
