Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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