I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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