i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
