Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
