wrigley field is MILF paradise
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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