im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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