I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
