I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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