Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
