She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
