I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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