I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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