My liver just broke up with me...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
