dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
