"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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