Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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