Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
