is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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