Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
