he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
