WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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