mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize