Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
