My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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