i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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