I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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