yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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