and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize