I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we made out on top of his cat.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
