Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
