i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
