i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
