Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
