im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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