the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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