Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Ketchup is God's man juice
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
