I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
