why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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