Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He uses pillows to masturbate.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
