Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
