Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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