You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
